While I understand that this blog is a source of encouragement for many of you that read it, you should know that I am writing it as a way to record my experiences along the way, the good and the bad. So far, it's mostly been good. The last day or so, not so much.
I'm thankful for the weight loss, and grateful for the opportunity, but quite honestly, I've never felt so close to quitting as I did last night. I took a very long walk outside on a pretty chilly night - normally I go to Walmart or the mall to get my walking in, but I felt the need to go outside, and to be somewhere where I could be alone with my thoughts (and with the Lord). So I went over to the track near the Y on Wheeler Road, and when I started walking, it was just me.
Funny... 72 hours earlier, I was standing in front of a camera, telling everyone how wonderful and "great" everything was (borrowed "great" from a friend of mine). In some respects, this is a great and wonderful experience. I will never have an opportunity like this again, and nearly everyone I know will never have the opportunity to do something like this. As I'm writing this, I am watching pictures of "the old me" roll by on a digital photo frame, and I'm so glad to see that guy is disappearing one pound at a time. I enjoy the compliments from friends, near and far, as they size up my progress in their mind's eye. I even enjoyed it when the oldest member in our church walked up to me Sunday, put her arm around me, and said, "You've still got some rolls there you need to get rid of..."
I am trying to give this experience my absolute best effort - as we were reminded this morning, we get out of it what we put into it. But while it's been "great" and "wonderful" and life-changing, it's not been easy. Every morning I wake up and my right knee hurts so bad I can hardly bend my leg. The back and leg pains that had largely subsided since beginning this process have returned again, like a car problem that you thought had been fixed, and suddenly it's doing "it" again. I constantly fight digestive tract issues as a result of a high protein diet; three weeks ago, it put me in the emergency room, something that apparently was unprecedented in this process. Cramps, muscle soreness, aching joints, blisters, sleepless (or sleep-deprived) nights, and general overall pain are par for the course.
To give this competition my best effort, a lot of things have gone on "hold" in my life. I am so grateful to have a "boss" (my pastor and one of my closest friends and confidants) that allows me enormous flexibility in my schedule. I don't know about the blue team, but the rest of the red team have pretty inflexible schedules. But even with wide latitude, there is the time pressure of having to be somewhere every day; at the beginning, it seemed like it was constant. Monday morning workout, Monday night weigh-in (and this past Monday, a photo / video shoot that didn't end until nearly 11:00 PM), Tuesday workout and weigh-ins or group meetings, Wednesday morning workout, Thursday workout and weigh-in, Friday workout, Saturday workout (often double workout on Saturday)... plus chiropractic appointments three days a week. Sunday, our one rest day, is the busiest day of my week. My Sundays begin at 6:00 AM, and often don't wind down until well after 8:00 or 9:00 PM.
I'm tired of having to watch every bite that goes into my mouth, wondering if I am getting too much sodium or fat or something else that I don't need. Losing weight is hard enough; trying to lose x-amount of pounds in y-amount of time is grueling. And I think I speak for all twelve of us when I say I'm a little tired of chicken and eggs. I've never really been legitimately tempted, but man, I miss a cheeseburger or a slice of pizza every now and then.
With six of us working so closely together, and seeing each other at our worst, we have become a family of sorts; sometimes we are a dysfunctional family - we fuss, make each other mad, and hurt each others' feelings. We have purposefully made it a goal not to have any drama amongst us, but there is some from time to time, and I am neither completely innocent in its origin, nor immune from its effects.
As I began writing this blog entry, I was sitting at my desk, where I have a digital photo frame. Looking at the pictures that scrolled by, I was reminded why I am doing this. There are pictures my family - the most important people in my life. There are pictures of drawings I did of our proposed church renovation, and it reminded me of the many people who give me support every week. There is a picture of the red team, several of whom have singled me out as "the leader" of our team (a mantle I wear uneasily, because we are peers, and all in this together). Finally, there is the before and after 80 pounds picture of myself - at 342 pounds, and at 262 pounds. That picture reminds me that I must do this for me, because my family, my church family, and my teammates need me to be the best "me" I can be.
I can't quit... I won't quit... and as hard as it is, I am resolved to meet my goal of losing 140 pounds by May 15. I can't control whether or not someone else wins this competition, but I can control whether or not I do my absolute best, and give it 100 percent every day.
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